


Distant

by Alma



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, M/M, Modern AU, Sadness, some jm sads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-05-06
Packaged: 2018-03-29 08:39:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3889750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alma/pseuds/Alma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I know what comes next, way before he turns around to look at me.</p><p>“I’ve got to talk to you.”, he says and I watch his expression fall. I’m used to his bored stare, gazing into nothing, but right now I’m able to see more feelings than ever in a long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Distant

I know what comes next, way before he turns around to look at me.

“I’ve got to talk to you.”, he says and I watch his expression fall. I’m used to his bored stare, gazing into nothing, but right now I’m able to see more feelings than ever in a long time. I can’t really pin down what exactly those feelings are.

Sorrow? Sadness? Distress?

My hands are becoming sweaty and I move them over the fabric of my pants. I can already feel a knot in the back of my throat and I think I might pass out any minute. Everyday I tried to ignore the soft pressure against my heart, like somebody is holding it but still hesitant to squeeze it to death.

I feel the hand tighten. I can feel Jean's stare into my face as if he waits for me to say something. What does he want to hear? That I know? That I already figured out by myself?

That I’m not good enough anymore?

The first time I noticed a change in our relationship was 'round about half a year ago. We've been together for, like, three years now and we never had any arguments or heavy discussions before. At least nothing to worry about. Usually we both started to apologise immediately if something went a little bit out of our hands; then we ended up in bed, sorry for everything and thankful for each other.

More and more often we ended up in stupid fights about stupid topics and stupid happenings. A few times, Jean just snapped out of the blue and blamed me for things I have never heard of before. Said that I’m stressing him out and that I allegedly ask too much. Ranted about his work and that he’s got no time for himself. I never tried to say something against it, because I knew I’d make him angrier for no reason. Therefore, I stayed quiet and swallowed my tears, until the moment Jean left the room and went outside to smoke.

Furthermore, Jean started to stay away. Well, nothing to be worried about. He’s allowed to do what he wants, same for me, but he never stayed away without saying something. Everytime he went out with Connie or even Eren, he had let me know. Wrote cute messages and was worried about my well-being. Every time I told him that it was okay and that he doesn’t have to worry, but he insisted to spend even more time with me when he returned.

It was something I was used to and, to be honest, something I was looking forward to. Suddenly, those messages stopped. For the first time I was the one who was worried, but Jean always answered my texts with some short sorrys. I tried not to think too much about it or to interpret more into it than necessary. I knew Jean and I knew that he loved to change little habits now and then.

Can’t say I don’t miss those messages.

On other days I woke up to realise that Jean already left the house without a trace, besides that, he slept unusual far away from me. Again, I tried to ignore it, but.. it wasn’t easy.

Half a year and I was too scared to say anything. Too scared of the truth that might come out. Did he cheat on me? Was he bored of me? Was I not anymore what he wanted me to be?

Suddenly, to think about two and a half years hurts. It hurts to look back at the times where we were inseparable, always laughing and always smiling. Our friends were sure that we would be the first ones to get married. Back then, I’d thought so, too, and according the blush and the insanely cute smile of Jean, his thoughts were the same.

But now here we are, or more like, here I am, almost shaking and gasping for air.

I knew that this moment had to come, but now? I don’t want it. I don’t want the truth, Jean. Please, don’t leave me, stay with me. I love you so much, please.

It’s the truth. No matter what had happened in the past, no matter how many fights took place in this apartment, I never stopped loving him. The thought of him leaving me hurts like a bullet in the back - or probably more like a bullet straight into my forehead with Jean behind the trigger.

“You should probably sit down, don’t want y-.. y’know.. your little uhmm circulatory problem..”, he suggests and points to the old leather couch, which was part of a lot of.. events, but this might become a new sight for everyone. Especially for me and I don’t want to be part of it.

Still, I can’t prevent my heart to swell with affection caused by his words and he was right. Quite often, I've fainted because of stress or even relieve. I really hope it would be the latter this time.

Jean looks down at his palms and his brows are furrowed. I assume he thinks of words. Maybe words that won’t hurt me as much as this silence.

“I’m sorry.” he whispers and I blink up at him. Slowly he lowers himself on the space next to me. I wait for him to continue. “I don’t know where to start.. I… I’ve.. I think..”

He inhales deeply and I realise I wasn’t breathing at all.

“You..- I guess you’ve noticed my.. dis-distance.. for the past.. months..”

My heart beats rapidly in my chest and I’m sure Jean could hear it, given that he watches my face with concern.

Everything I could do was nodding.

His gaze falls, and his shoulders follow. For a moment, he closes his eyes, before looking back to me.

“I.. I just want to be honest with you. T-two years aren’t… nothing, y’know.. a-a-and I loved every bit of it.”

_Loved._

“It’s just.. I’m so.. exhausted…”

Involuntarily, I tilt my head.

“Everything I do feels… unimportant to me. I’m not.. happy, Marco.. Even though I should. I.. really should. I’ve got you… and you’re so good to me, but I’ve got nothing for you to give back to you. I’m just so tired.. and I’m sick of feeling that way. Of being so broken…”

“You’re not broken..” I whisper as quiet as possible, not sure if it is clever to interrupt him.

“No? How would you call it then? Whenever I see you.. I feel.. jealous. I know I love you and I’d never really be mad at you.. but on the other hand.. I am. You smile and I try to return it, but I can’t.. because faking it just reminds me of every other facade… of every other thing I’ve to fake so nobody notice that my heart doesn’t beat the same way as yours does - as the heart of a sane person. Not anymore. I tried to avoid you.. The moment I noticed that my.. sickness is affecting you.. I tried to push you away. Sometimes, not even intentionally. I’m so mad at myself. So fucking mad about everything, but on the other hand I don’t know what to do..”

Silently I watch him curl into himself, wiping the tears away and twitching with every broken sob.

I never knew. I never thought about his words that way. I always was so focused on myself, that I never realised, that Jean needs help. I don’t know how and I don’t know if I can be a help for him, but I want. I want it so badly and I want to say I’m sorry, but I’m holding myself back. I’m not quite sure, but I don’t think that pity really helps him, even though behind this sorry is so much more. I’m so sorry, I was so blind. I’m so sorry, for never asking. I’m so sorry, that I only cared about myself and never paid attention to the wellbeing of the person I love with all my heart.

Carefully, I lay my hand on top of his knee, which he had drawn close and up to his chest. My thumb draws soothing circles and again, I smile at him. It isn’t my carefree smile, my it’s okay smile and not the smile that says, that he’s just overacting.

He looks at me and somehow I think he understands, but still, my lips are moving, because I’ve got the feeling, that hearing the words instead of assuming them, might have a deeper impact.

“ _Thank you_.” I say and I can feel it hot behind my eyes. “Thank you for telling me, Jean. I was so worried that I did something wrong, that I never thought about-”

“Me _being_ wrong?”, he suggests and I feel something squeeze my heart.

“No, Jean.” I shake my head and furrow my brow. “There is nothing _wrong_ with you. You aren’t broken and you don’t have to feel bad about the way you feel.”

Again his gaze travels down and I take the chance to grab his chin between my index and thumb. Slowly I move his face to me and make him leaning towards me. He moves closer by himself and from one moment to the other, he snuggles closer, presses his face into the crook of my neck and claws tightly into my shirt. Of course I’d let go of his chin and was lovingly caressing his back.

“You say there is nothing wrong, but here I am hating myself and everything I do every day? That isn’t normal.. I can’t even go out without feeling like shit and that people are judging me….”

“I don’t know what to do or how to, but.. we’ll do that together.. somehow. I’m not going to let you alone. I’m so glad you told me, really… “

“I’d understand if you don’t want to deal with that…”, I heard him whisper into my shirt.

“And I’m telling you that I want. I care about you, I love you and I want you to be happy.”

“Even though I was an asshole to you?”

“That’s nothing new.” I try to joke and crane my neck to the side, to peck a quick kiss to his cheek. In fact, I earn a light chuckle and it warms my heart.

“I’m glad I haven’t pissed you off… I’m glad you're.. staying.”

He moves back and looks me directly in the eyes. I finally realise that it isn’t boredom I can see, but some kind of purposelessness, which his mind created and put into his veins. The reason why his heart doesn’t beat the same as mine. The reason why every heart on every place on the world, beats a different rhythm. We all got _things_ that occupy our lives and hearts, and there is nothing wrong with it. There is nothing wrong with _you_.

“I’ll help you, so that your heart will beat the same way again as before. I’ll make you happy again, I promise.”  
  
Jean stares into my eyes and for a moment I thought I’ve seen something sparkle. He leans forward and rests his forehead against mine, closing his eyes and smiling wide enough to reveal his teeth.

“I love you.” he whispers, looking rather shocked to see me silently crying out of a sudden. However, there is a huge smile plastered on my face and I lean forward to kiss him chaste and quick.

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, ho! I hope you enjoyed my little ficlet. It's the second time I tried to write something in english. It isn't my mothertongue and I'm sure you can tell :D Aaaaanyway, found any mistakes? Tell me! x)
> 
> This story was supposed to be completely different. Actually I wanted to write about a break up. Jean, who doesn't feel love towards Marco anymore and so on... but.. then Jean refused and this happened. I'm weak.. I just can't tear them apart.
> 
> Jean's words are based on my own feelings, which is probably the reason why I couldn't write something with leaving Marco, oh man.
> 
> If you're interested, find me on [personal Tumblr](http://lovinglavidaloki.tumblr.com/) or [my art tumblr](http://trashcanalma.tumblr.com/) OR on [twitter](https://twitter.com/Cherrybodt)  
> Wouldn't mind to talk to you. c:
> 
> Thanks to sunshine ♥


End file.
